The Rugby Roundtable

All we hope is that you pass your quiz!!

100th Show luv from Bristol’s finest, Cider and Ice Cream - we can see it now, half pissed, perched on the bed listening to the greatness; that is the RRT, and chowing down on ‘Export’ quality dairy food.

Quite a vision as I am sure you all agree.

Thanks Liv’s. X

Kia Ora from the “lucky country”, which I can only assume is a reference to how they lucky they are to have snuck a team into the S14 semi finals.

I’ll start with a big hello to Hardus, Qball and the Stormers crew in South Africa, who attended the Lions match at Ellis Park on the weekend, brandishing two banners with messages of goodwill to the Juice. Good lads, and proof that when it comes to our SANZAR partners, the Saffas are the lesser of two evils.

For the second week in a row, I was at Suncorp Stadium to watch the Reds put in a lot of effort, do few things correctly, lose and generally be very ordinary.

It was a terrible game and it’s fair to say that the highlight was when the little motorbike that transports the kicking tee onto the field broke down, and was pushed off by one of the tah-tahs players.

After two consecutive visits to the “Red Fortress” – fortress apparently now describes a place where visitors can stroll in and take whatever they want whilst meeting with very little resistance- I can now say that the Reds fans don’t deserve any better than they’re getting.

One thing I have learned is that the criminals hate Kurtley Beale. Maybe they’re still not comfortable with having to say “sorry” to Aborigines, but most of the talk before and after the game was centred on how much the locals don’t want him in the wallabies.

Another spin-off from my time spent at Suncorp Stadium and the surrounding areas has been the chance to inspect the drinking establishments nearby. With an All Blacks match scheduled for Brisneyland on September the 13^th, this vital issue of local watering holes should be high on the list of priorities for all discerning Kiwis intent on crossing the ditch for the big Bledisloe bash-up.

My offer to you, the rugby universe, is to put not only my money but also several thousand beers where my mouth is, as I get out onto the battlefields of Bris Vegas for some serious booze reconnaissance and then report back to you with the lowdown on a different establishment each week.

But my friends, the offer does not end there. For those of you that can’t be here for Bledisloe 3 as the Blackness falls on these filthy convict bastards and many glasses are raised in celebration, I am giving you the chance to experience the joy vicariously as I let you choose where my pre and post match drinking occurs and, in doing so, give you a bloody big say in what the night will entail.

And to put the cherry on top of this interactive rugby-booze experience, the one and only Mark Stafford, bookie of the people, will be by my side. Yes, that’s right – you the listener have the opportunity to put Stafford where you want him in this unprecedented feat of democracy and podcasting as the Rugby Roundtable, in association with Juice’s Crimewatch, launches CSI: Brisbane – Crime Scene Inebriation.

First bar – “Bohemia”, Caxton St, Paddington. Located a mere 200 metres from Suncorp Stadium this brand new establishment offers much to the discerning drinker. Cans of beer and spirits are served cheap in the back bar and the relaxed attitude of the staff towards just how drunk one can get before being asked to leave is refreshing to say the least. The typical clientele are young, friendly and predominantly female which will be music to Staf’s ears. Also, there is a strippers’ pole on the dance floor which gets a fair bit of use as the night wears on. Radler is not served but the intimate atmosphere and dance floor classics favoured by the DJ make this a very easy-going and enjoyable post-match venue.

New Zealand sevens coach Gordon Tietjens will blood another two players at this weekend’s London sevens. Canterbury’s Ben Nowell and Southland’s Kendrick Lynn make up the 12 man squad for the last two tournaments of the series. New Zealand currently lead the IRB sevens with 126 points, 34 ahead of South Africa.

Former Hurricanes and New Zealand Maori utility back Riki Flutey could be pulling on an English jersey. The 28 year old Flutey says he’ll be eligible for England in September. Flutey says the Guinness premiership has enabled him to nail down one position instead of being a utility and if the chance comes to play for England, Flutey says he’d grab it.

FIFA have unveiled plans to cap the number of foreign players in football clubs.Australian chief executive Possum head O’neill says the IRB could roll out a similar scheme for rugby.

Finally, as Rugby clubs around the world try to lure Sonny Bill Williams away from league, the Doggies are targeting Jerome Kaino. Kaino has been to the Bulldogs to look at the facilities and while the big Blues number 6 is yet to talk turkey with the club, Kaino says he’d love link up with Sonny Bill in the second row.

Gets underway with this wee ripper from Ryan Naismith - Maddogs on first!

Wendell “white nostril” Sailor is set to return to the NRL. Sailor has finished serving a two-year ban for using cocaine. The former Wallabies and Brisbane Broncos star will line up for the minor league team the Marajuana Marlins in the Jim Beam Cup. The Marlins are a feeder club for St George Illawara and the Stealers could soon be bolstered with Sailor sucking the sideline.

Crusaders prop Greg Sommerville has backed out of a deal with Llanelli. Sommerville’s change of heart happened after the Scarlets fired their Rugby director Phil Davies. Yoda is now hoping to use the force in France with either Auvergne or Toulouse.

Caleb Ralph has signed a two-year deal with Japanese club side Sanix. After 11 years of first club rugby in New Zealand Ralph is looking forward to being the biggest player on the paddock.

New Zealander John Plumtree has been named new head coach of the Sharks. The former Wellington coach will succeed Dick Muir who’s been given an assistant’s role with the Springboks. Plumtree coached the Sharks in last year’s Currie Cup where the team, minus its Springboks, reached the semifinals.

Finally, don’t get too cosy with all the one eyed boy racers Ali Williams the Blues want you back. Williams quit the Blues to join the Crusaders after a falling out with coach David Nucifora. But with Nuci going back to tie his kangaroo down sport with brucey, Williams may be tempted to return to Auckland. Blues Hooker Kevin Mealamu says with Nucifora gone Williams would be welcomed home. And with the prospect of playing alongside his brother at the Blues, Williams may be just another franchised Aucklander.

Move over David Beckham, Dan Carter wants of piece of Posh. As the All Black glory boy considers multi million dollar deals from European clubs, Tana Umaga’s Toulon has weighed in with an offer. Toulon are also putting up 1.4 million dollars for one season of Carter mania as well as a cut of image deal rights that could amount to 200 grannies per annum. Carter’s relationship with Umaga is thought to be a key plank in the clinching the deal.

Meanwhile Springbok lock Bakkies Botha is taking the Bulls to court. Botha wants out a five-year contract with the worst Super 14 champions in history. The Bulls, who renewed Botha’s contract last year, have refused to release Botha who also wants out to join glamour club Toulon.

The Pine Tree Colin Meads has spoken out about the World cup review. Meads says we should sack the bastards, especially Graham Henry who was re hired even after he admitted his rotation policy had failed. Meads says the All Blacks are over-coached and over-organised. He says with four selectors, a tackling coach, a scrum coach, a line out coach four water boys and the shark’s cheerleaders - its no longer clear which of the buggers you have to listen to.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

The New Zealand rugby calendar could be up for an overhaul. All Black Captain Richie McCaw says, too much time away from home and the intensity of touring are factors in All Blacks accepting lucrative foreign contracts. Players association Boss Rob Nichol says commitments to Super 14, All Black and provincial teams are also wearing players down. Nichol says European clubs offer players one cohesive management and leadership structure to follow.

Julian Huxley has not ruled returning to rugby. Capped 7 times by the Wallabies the 28-year-old pulled out of this year’s Super 14 after he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. The mostly benign tumour has been removed from Huxley’s head and now Australia’s 2006 rookie of the year says he’d like to take the field once more. Surgeons say a comeback might be risky, but Huxley says surgeons always err on the side of caution.

New Zealand has drawn a tricky pool at the London sevens. Facing Argentina, Wales and newcomers Moldova, the Kiwis need to make it to the semi finals to take the series outright. The London sevens happens this weekend at Twickenham.

Dan Carter is thought to have been offered 1.9 million dollars for one season in Toulouse. The salary would be the highest ever paid to a rugby player and includes a black Ferrari and silk toilet paper embossed with gold.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

Ladies and Gentlemen - Kia Ora.

I appeal to you, the length, breadth, width and depth of the Rugby Universe to focus your minds in the great pursuit of truth.

For I seek a place in, Hong Kong, Tokyo and New York - no this is not a Gucci advert in which you’re to be amazed into retail lust by some body painted, wistful eyed sixteen year old Eastonian girl.

This is ‘the’ search.

In those three cities (and I’m only punting on Tokyo, still very much to be confirmed by anyone) there is a very special place, a location that is capable of housing the utter greatness of an ‘International’.  And I want you, the people of the RU, with all of your rusty tag stories of hell raising here, there and everywhere - I want you to tell me where it is.

The place, the area of town, the functionality of the bar, who to talk to, how to make meaningful contact.

This is my mission.  In return for your sage-like wisdom I shall arrive at the location with an evening of Rugby Culture that will leave the town gasping for more, this is no exaggeration.  But here in lies the paradox of the ‘Local’ for I will come and lay the word down, while you will most likely be at the Test.  Fear not, for wisdom as a Rugby Lover will be rewarded not once, but twice.

Not only will you see the Almighty Blackness play, but you do so knowing that you’ve begun lesser pilgrims on their journey by sending them to me at the Alternative Rugby Commentary, where they can be educated about the great game.  Afterwards you will be showered in adoration by those newly converted members to the Rugby Universe, for showing them the path to greater Rugby Love but also how to be better drunks.

Guide me as though I were a pass from ‘Te Bullet, a sixty yard penalty conversion from ‘Te Boot’ or a deadly crash tackle from ‘Te Chiropractor’.

“Search now…”

Sale coach Phillipe St Andre says he likes Luke McCalister at fullback. McCalister came on at 15 during Sale’s 24 to17 win over Bristol at the weekend. St Andre says McCalister is good enough to play fullback at an international level.

In the Energy Cup final, Marty Holah was man of the match as the Ospreys dispatched Leicester 23-6 at Twickenham.

Anton Oliver scored two tries as Tana Umaga’s Toulon beat Limoges 37to14. Toulon is seven points clear at the top of France’s second division.

The world’s top referees could soon be employed by the International Rugby Board. IRB referee boss Paddy O’Brien says making the Refs work for the IRB instead of the national unions would increase the independence of match officials.

Northern hemisphere nations may be warming up to the ELVs. John O’Neill’s toupee says France, Italy and Scotland are in favour of the ELVs. O’Neill says opposition in England and Wales has weakened while Ireland remains strongly anti ELV. He says critics in the northern hemisphereare concerned the ELV’s are southern hemisphere plot.

The British and Irish Lions will tour South Africa next year.The Lions will play 10 games in the republic including 3 tests against the world champion Springboks. The Lions squad is expected to contain 400 players.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

Here is the second instalment created for Channel 9’s NRL Footy Show in Crookland.  Fraser on the eye candy, Morgan on the organ and me as the well meaning voice of retail therapy.

Interesting to note that Tongans are divided into two types, the first is Tongans from the Island Kingdom and Tongans not from the Island Kingdom.  To work out which is which, simply ask them to pronounce the name of their island.

“Tonga” means I’m living somewhere else and have been for a long time

“Donga” means that the next question could be you last, nosey little person.

In the meantime please enjoy this animation about a long lost Tongan ADHD sufferer, who has found fame and fortune in the land of Crookedness.