The Rugby Roundtable

Kia Ora all.

Here I am in the press box of Suncorp stadium in lovely Brisbane. The wallabies, or mossy rotting pumpkins as I call them – look at the uniform – have just done the unthinkable and turned over the world champion Springboks and sent the criminal crowd here into orbit. Honestly, they’ve completely lost their shit. This must be like conjugal visit day.

Got to head to the press conference now. More reports to follow.

Juice.

I guess the lesson to be learnt here is that if you want to cheat, for gods’ sake don’t use a Winger.  Dean Richards now has a few years to remember that one.  Secondly don’t take Cocaine and then prance around in public baths, there seems to be a substance abuse problem with the Bath players – they are lacking substance by the look of things.  I know its condemning them as poor role models, but let’s not forget that they are Rugby players, MPs are still getting paid plenty and then promoting their shining moral character so don’t get blinded in the forrest by the trees.

Life as a Kiwi just got a little blacker this week as the Diamond Dan and Quadzilla return to the starting Blackness against the Criminal Element this weekend.  The Crooks will be smarting after the pumping they copped at Newlands and sure to provide a challenge to an Black XV that by normal standards has been operating below par.  I know it seems tough on the All Blacks to say that, but if I can’t be honest then I may as well work for mainstream media.

As for the game?  Read in for Rodney says that he’s clearly the player that is covering more ground at Number 8, the Aussie game plan does a lot of pressure on 8, 10, 15 and 7 as a group and it seeks to deconstruct the All Blacks by running up the fatigue meter on these individual players.  One way out of the ‘negative gain’ trap is to repeat what the Royal Green did and simply kick more accurately, but with the selection of the two Fijians can expect to see sideline to sideline attack?  Or will it be bombs away with the two of them tearing up the field create pressure?

One thing seems certain for the Blacks now however.  McCaw is no longer the biggest threat in world Rugby on the ground, Brussow has taken over as the premier fetcher in the world, some will say Williams from Wales but it depends from set piece where you are thinking about hitting the defensive line and for the Almighty Blackness it appears to be well and truly outside Second Five-Eighth, where McCaw still dominates all in the chase game.  Inside that mark now The King needs to deal with the little bruiser who is a more compact version of Josh Kronfeld, he’s a grappler and his superior sense of spacial awareness has seen him hit the ball carrier, the ground and then his feet in fluid succession, while he’s been able to get those arms around the ball and contest possession.

He looks like he’s been trained by the Gracie family, on the ground he is deadly and it will take some special play to counter his advantage, the upshot of it all has been a resurgent South Africa who are playing the counter-ruck game with incredible intensity.  In the first match of the Tri-Nations this year it came down to a destructive ten minute period after the half time break by the All Blacks to pressure the Crooks and finally win some of the collisions, to that point they were firmly in the game.

So now this weekend Black people the world over wonder if we can set up the win through the forwards.  With the knowledge that Carter and Quadzilla are back in the set up, but relatively green considering where they have been individually the pack will need to really turn up the heat at breakdown and set piece time to give their jewels the time and space to dominate the element.

On the other side Rocky Elsom returns for the Criminals and that might be all they need to spark a much needed revival so late in the piece.  Robbie needs a win, the Crooked nation demands a win, but the biggest winners of a Crooked win will be the FoxSports Commentary team…

You know one of the most saticfying things about being a gig online is the advice you receive, check this out from Mark Forsyth the CEO of www.yourbigears.com, it typifies the uncharted good will amongst the audience while we here at RRT get into this business proper.

Hi

If you’re around Wan Chai on Saturday night, come and get on it with us.

The Alternative Rugby Commentary Live at The Doghouse

Surely the knack of being outside of New Zealand when the All Blacks perform badly is something that few people can lay claim to.  But since I had the dubious pleasure of missing out on the mourning after Cardiff, it seems that the latest scene back in New Zealand is somewhat depressed, if not recessed and glib.  Never mind that Springboks tied one on us in Durban and proved that form and preparation is hard to beat.

Incredibly the Hong Kong Police arrived at The Doghouse on Lockhart Road on Saturday evening to execute a noise complaint; something to do with some guy on a microphone, using terrible English.  It’s fair to say that even the longest living expats in one of the worlds best known Red-Light districts were hard pressed to recall the last noise complaint actually enforced in Wan Chai.  Yet another record breaking Alternative Rugby Commentary show.

So this weekend we await a hugely powerful Springbok unit to overcome a sticky Australian unit, will the Wallabies win – I don’t think so.  Will they score or even come close?  Hard to say, but the direction that Cup-Cake offers at First Five-Eighth will benefit the Wallabies going forward, rather than the side to side action we saw from NZ.

There is one question that people are starting to ask me.  What’s with the side to side play we are seeing from New Zealand?  Well from a critical perspective it’s about creating space; space is the prime real estate of a Rugby field, the Mayfair or Park Lane of a Rugby pitch.  Hammering a fast attack wide on one side of the pitch, will hopefully create space and opportunities on the other side, all that stands in the way after that is the team skills to put the ball and the men there.

Oh and Heinrich Brussow.

Rugby Canada

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Righto.

Here I am neatly settled into the vibrant social hub of Hong Kong, situated to my right is an ice cold pint of stout, to my left a 40 inch plasma screen screaming out the best hits of the 80’s – Nick Kershaw… oh dear.

The start of the Asian Invasion was interesting to say the least, we arrived on the Friday morning, got squared away and made a luchtime meeting at Grappa’s with both eye’s hanging at different angles.  Grappa’s is unique in HK because it’s big enough to swing a Polynesian in, unlike Lockhart Road where the size of things indicates the size the of things in general.

The only negative was that the kick off here in HK was advetised as 9pm local, when it was 11pm.  The television channel showing the Rugby made not effort to correct their schedule so even on the day they were still telling viewers 9pm.  No amount of free publicity could have made a difference at such short notice so it was a hard thing to see half of the room drift away because of the late kick off, I admit one needs to shift mindsets if 11pm is going to be the starting line.

Never really been a problem for me, but then hey – I am a professional.

Still it was great fun and the HK locals made it a really enjoyable night, even a crook by the name of Grant was a valued part of the mix, thanks must also go to the local Irish contingent for their support, both at the show and afterwards – truly the Irish are the beacons in a dark night of debauchery – possibly because they set fire to things, but mainly because of the craic.

Only half a pint left now, but thankfully a burger has arrived – time to tuck in..

First things first.

The Rugby Roundtable Podcast in it’s full unadulterated, uncensored glory is now available at http://whip.podbean.com and will cost NZ$26.70 per 43 show season.

This can be thought of as NZ$0.62 per show.

The Rugby Roundtable Podcast began in 2006 with some very big ideas, the first was to be entertaining… ok, so we had one idea.

2006 was different, no one in New Zealand really knew what a podcast was and to be honest it’s only really hit these shores in the years since, to be honest it still causes consternation among marketing managers and advertising executives for one very good reason – they are only used to having a one-way conversations.

As a medium podcasting is able to put us right there with you the audience, we get conversations happening, cheeky ones, serious ones, short and protracted ones; particularly the highly controversial issue of Radler, which is more than just a radio or television show.

In 2009 the world has changed and things are different, we still get a thrill out of making the show because we know that compared to the bulk of ‘Rugby media’ The Rugby Roundtable is still different, the biggest evidence of this is you the audience.  From across the globe, first time listeners, first season players, stalwarts, fish-heads and crooks take a seat at the Rugby Roundtable each week and keep the nonsense coming.

Long may this continue and thank you for letting do so.

Jedi

The Alternative Rugby Commentary is preparing to descend upon Hong Kong in July and August as the 2009 Tri-Nations takes control of the Rugby Universe.  Performing three shows at Grappas Cellar in Hong Kong with the first 0n July 25th.

For information about tickets or booking tables at Grappas Cellars for the Alternative Rugby Commentary please email: info@arcrugby.co.nz

Look forward to seeing you there Hong Kong, I hear it’s drinking weather up there.

Jedi

I was told of a wonderful moment in the Rugby Universe the other day, it occurred in France, a club field featuring two former All Black props appearing as professionals in a top division competition fixture.  The game was new-ish, maybe a handful of minutes old.  As one expects in France the action was hot and heavy straight away, no camera’s, TMO’s or vegetarians were present so the truth of French Rugby was laid bare.

From a ruck the first of our All Blacks was struck with enough effort to put him on notice – how does one know when an All Black is aware of your presence?  He will stand upright and look at you in the eye.

Your next move in this situation is all important.  It will dictate the future, a long cold look back will lock in the message that you will not be backed down by a reputation.  This is not only the preferred action, but also the more refined one, speaking volumes about you as a Rugby player and as an individual.  It says, ‘hey, I’m happy to play the game hard and fair, I don’t even mind a little bit of cheating, it’s good – but if you think you’re going to pull that stunt on me mate.  You’re in for a fucken hiding’.

The inadvisable option is to rattle the saber, flash the guns or raise your fists in a manner that indicates things are ‘go’.

Especially to an All Black prop, former or not.

The ruck was spontaneously consumed with skin curdling crunches, the kind that result in teeth being found by an Archaeologist  in future centuries and on this occasion there were more teeth to be found than usual, as both Islanders stood shoulder to shoulder firing off shots in three and four punch combinations.  Bodies were bouncing off the ground, then back onto their feet and charging straight back in – only to begin the process again and the running battle erupted with regularity.

It was carnage.  But then it was France.  Immediately after the match a five course meal with silver service and enhancing bottles of seriously good wine were offered up to both teams as the string quartet lubricated the social ramp.

The men who had been losing blood and teeth sat together easily, warmed with the good company at this fine pageant of conviviality.

Saturday night just passed was marred by some odd slight of hand, firstly Sergio Parisse the Italian Captain and 2008 IRB Player of The Year Nominee was cited and consequently banned for 8 weeks for eye gouging.  It was a tidy bit of work from the skipper, looking one way while nicking the eye socket of the All Black rookie, far from damaging but certainly painful if done correctly.  The reaction from Ross was… well, unfortunate although it wasn’t nearly as unpalatable as Thompson taking a Kockett to the face.

Meanwhile in Pretoria Schalk Burger opened the game with what is the Rugby equivalent to a ’snuff’ movie., raking; perhaps even nearly taking, the eye’s of the Lions winger, who had arrived at a ruck uninvited.

Just a quick note to all outside backs.  If you see a ruck form in the opening moments of a vitally important Rugby match – STAY AWAY.

Schalk is now a ‘gone-burger’ and but probably got himself another ten minutes more in the game for rest.

But the reality of it is this, attacking the eye’s is not nice.  It is dangerous and despite hitting the pitch to ’smash some cunts’ no one; I believe, wants to mame or permanently injure another.  It might happen but I seriously doubt anyone has done it on purpose – except on occasion Richard Loe.  Even then he was just trying a few things.

Of course all this would be sorted out faster than you can say ‘retaliation’.

If there were still rucking in the game…