The Rugby Roundtable

Gets underway with this wee ripper from Ryan Naismith - Maddogs on first!

Wendell “white nostril” Sailor is set to return to the NRL. Sailor has finished serving a two-year ban for using cocaine. The former Wallabies and Brisbane Broncos star will line up for the minor league team the Marajuana Marlins in the Jim Beam Cup. The Marlins are a feeder club for St George Illawara and the Stealers could soon be bolstered with Sailor sucking the sideline.

Crusaders prop Greg Sommerville has backed out of a deal with Llanelli. Sommerville’s change of heart happened after the Scarlets fired their Rugby director Phil Davies. Yoda is now hoping to use the force in France with either Auvergne or Toulouse.

Caleb Ralph has signed a two-year deal with Japanese club side Sanix. After 11 years of first club rugby in New Zealand Ralph is looking forward to being the biggest player on the paddock.

New Zealander John Plumtree has been named new head coach of the Sharks. The former Wellington coach will succeed Dick Muir who’s been given an assistant’s role with the Springboks. Plumtree coached the Sharks in last year’s Currie Cup where the team, minus its Springboks, reached the semifinals.

Finally, don’t get too cosy with all the one eyed boy racers Ali Williams the Blues want you back. Williams quit the Blues to join the Crusaders after a falling out with coach David Nucifora. But with Nuci going back to tie his kangaroo down sport with brucey, Williams may be tempted to return to Auckland. Blues Hooker Kevin Mealamu says with Nucifora gone Williams would be welcomed home. And with the prospect of playing alongside his brother at the Blues, Williams may be just another franchised Aucklander.

Move over David Beckham, Dan Carter wants of piece of Posh. As the All Black glory boy considers multi million dollar deals from European clubs, Tana Umaga’s Toulon has weighed in with an offer. Toulon are also putting up 1.4 million dollars for one season of Carter mania as well as a cut of image deal rights that could amount to 200 grannies per annum. Carter’s relationship with Umaga is thought to be a key plank in the clinching the deal.

Meanwhile Springbok lock Bakkies Botha is taking the Bulls to court. Botha wants out a five-year contract with the worst Super 14 champions in history. The Bulls, who renewed Botha’s contract last year, have refused to release Botha who also wants out to join glamour club Toulon.

The Pine Tree Colin Meads has spoken out about the World cup review. Meads says we should sack the bastards, especially Graham Henry who was re hired even after he admitted his rotation policy had failed. Meads says the All Blacks are over-coached and over-organised. He says with four selectors, a tackling coach, a scrum coach, a line out coach four water boys and the shark’s cheerleaders - its no longer clear which of the buggers you have to listen to.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

The New Zealand rugby calendar could be up for an overhaul. All Black Captain Richie McCaw says, too much time away from home and the intensity of touring are factors in All Blacks accepting lucrative foreign contracts. Players association Boss Rob Nichol says commitments to Super 14, All Black and provincial teams are also wearing players down. Nichol says European clubs offer players one cohesive management and leadership structure to follow.

Julian Huxley has not ruled returning to rugby. Capped 7 times by the Wallabies the 28-year-old pulled out of this year’s Super 14 after he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. The mostly benign tumour has been removed from Huxley’s head and now Australia’s 2006 rookie of the year says he’d like to take the field once more. Surgeons say a comeback might be risky, but Huxley says surgeons always err on the side of caution.

New Zealand has drawn a tricky pool at the London sevens. Facing Argentina, Wales and newcomers Moldova, the Kiwis need to make it to the semi finals to take the series outright. The London sevens happens this weekend at Twickenham.

Dan Carter is thought to have been offered 1.9 million dollars for one season in Toulouse. The salary would be the highest ever paid to a rugby player and includes a black Ferrari and silk toilet paper embossed with gold.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

Ladies and Gentlemen - Kia Ora.

I appeal to you, the length, breadth, width and depth of the Rugby Universe to focus your minds in the great pursuit of truth.

For I seek a place in, Hong Kong, Tokyo and New York - no this is not a Gucci advert in which you’re to be amazed into retail lust by some body painted, wistful eyed sixteen year old Eastonian girl.

This is ‘the’ search.

In those three cities (and I’m only punting on Tokyo, still very much to be confirmed by anyone) there is a very special place, a location that is capable of housing the utter greatness of an ‘International’.  And I want you, the people of the RU, with all of your rusty tag stories of hell raising here, there and everywhere - I want you to tell me where it is.

The place, the area of town, the functionality of the bar, who to talk to, how to make meaningful contact.

This is my mission.  In return for your sage-like wisdom I shall arrive at the location with an evening of Rugby Culture that will leave the town gasping for more, this is no exaggeration.  But here in lies the paradox of the ‘Local’ for I will come and lay the word down, while you will most likely be at the Test.  Fear not, for wisdom as a Rugby Lover will be rewarded not once, but twice.

Not only will you see the Almighty Blackness play, but you do so knowing that you’ve begun lesser pilgrims on their journey by sending them to me at the Alternative Rugby Commentary, where they can be educated about the great game.  Afterwards you will be showered in adoration by those newly converted members to the Rugby Universe, for showing them the path to greater Rugby Love but also how to be better drunks.

Guide me as though I were a pass from ‘Te Bullet, a sixty yard penalty conversion from ‘Te Boot’ or a deadly crash tackle from ‘Te Chiropractor’.

“Search now…”

Sale coach Phillipe St Andre says he likes Luke McCalister at fullback. McCalister came on at 15 during Sale’s 24 to17 win over Bristol at the weekend. St Andre says McCalister is good enough to play fullback at an international level.

In the Energy Cup final, Marty Holah was man of the match as the Ospreys dispatched Leicester 23-6 at Twickenham.

Anton Oliver scored two tries as Tana Umaga’s Toulon beat Limoges 37to14. Toulon is seven points clear at the top of France’s second division.

The world’s top referees could soon be employed by the International Rugby Board. IRB referee boss Paddy O’Brien says making the Refs work for the IRB instead of the national unions would increase the independence of match officials.

Northern hemisphere nations may be warming up to the ELVs. John O’Neill’s toupee says France, Italy and Scotland are in favour of the ELVs. O’Neill says opposition in England and Wales has weakened while Ireland remains strongly anti ELV. He says critics in the northern hemisphereare concerned the ELV’s are southern hemisphere plot.

The British and Irish Lions will tour South Africa next year.The Lions will play 10 games in the republic including 3 tests against the world champion Springboks. The Lions squad is expected to contain 400 players.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

Here is the second instalment created for Channel 9’s NRL Footy Show in Crookland.  Fraser on the eye candy, Morgan on the organ and me as the well meaning voice of retail therapy.

Interesting to note that Tongans are divided into two types, the first is Tongans from the Island Kingdom and Tongans not from the Island Kingdom.  To work out which is which, simply ask them to pronounce the name of their island.

“Tonga” means I’m living somewhere else and have been for a long time

“Donga” means that the next question could be you last, nosey little person.

In the meantime please enjoy this animation about a long lost Tongan ADHD sufferer, who has found fame and fortune in the land of Crookedness.

After 47 games the most remarkable winning streak in 7’s rugby history has come to an end. New Zealand was narrowly beaten in the final of the Adelaide 7’s by South Africa 15 - 7. Despite the loss the Kiwis are still well in charge of the series and look likely to take out their eighth world title in nine years.

Western Force coach John Mitchell says New Zealand referees are not as good as their Australian counterparts. The Force’s last two games have been refereed by Lyndon Bray and Steve Walsh respectively. Mitchell says both have failed to rule the tackled ball law correctly.

New Zealand players will feature in both the Heineken Cup and Challenge Cup semi-finals. Byron Kelleher’s Toulouse disposed of Cardiff 41-17 in the quarter finals and Glen Jackson kicked a conversion, three penalties and a drop goal to help Saracens to a 19-10 win over Ospreys. Doug Howlett scored a try in Munster’s 16-3 defeat of Gloucester. Munster face Saracens in the Heineken cup semi finals and Toulouse play the London Irish.
In the Challenge Cup, Worcester made it to the semis after Rico Gear scored two tries and Sam Tuitupou another to beat Montpellier 36-26. Carl Hayman touched down as Newcastle beat Castres 40-13 while Luke McAlister kicked five conversions and three penalties as Sale beat Brive 49-24. In the Challenge Cup semis Worcester play Newcastle and Bath face Sale.

Tana Umaga’s coaching career could be in doubt after he was red-carded while coaching Toulon. Umaga, whose star studded side has lost four of their last seven games, was sent off last week when he took the field to end a five-minute all-in brawl. The All Black legend ignored the referee’s orders to leave the field. Toulon was slapped with a $20,000 fine for a brawl and the club is now rumoured to be chasing former Bulls coach Heyneke Meyer.

The French Rugby Union wants to trial the ELVs. Dependant on the agreement of French rugby clubs the union hopes to use the experimental law variations at all levels of French rugby from September 1. Scotland and Italy are also considering trialling the ELV’s.

For the Rugby Roundtable I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

New Zealand’s locking crisis continues. All Black James Ryan has terminated his contract with Otago. Ryan, who hasn’t played since picking up a knee injury last April, also confirmed he is taking an indefinite break from rugby. An unidentified confident of the big orange lock says Ryan has had enough of living in the goldfish bowl that is All Black life in New Zealand. NZRU boss Steve Tew says Ryan has not yet made a final decision.

Matt Henjack has one eye on the croissant and one hand on the pasty. The unwanted Australian says he’s had three or four offers from European sides. Henjack was the first criminal to be sent home from a Wallaby tour in 40 years after he gnawed off his room mate’s toe during a wet dream about chickens. Henjack says he hopes to head to Europe in July.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.

Super Rugby Broadcaster News Corp is positive about expanding the Super 14. Last week John O’Neill floated the idea of a 26 week competition. O’Neill says there’s an appetite from News Corp to increase the format. SANZAR broadcasting consultant, Ian Frykberg, says despite the negative reaction from South Africa and New Zealand, the Air New Zealand and Currie Cups can’t generate the same income as Super rugby. Any changes could be a way off - television rights for the Super 14 won’t be re-negotiated until 2010.

Dunedin’s proposed waterfront white elephant has tripped on its own trunk. Accountant Price Waterhouse Coopers says the numbers don’t add up. The accountant says the projected income for the new stadium hasn’t factored in possible changes to the format of Super Rugby and the NPC. It says the union may be unable to fill the stadium because there is no certainty rugby will be relevant to society in15 years.

Gordon Tietjans has named 2 new caps for the Hong Kong sevens, Counties Manukau halfback Chad Tuoro and North Harbour winger Nafi Tuitavake. Hong Kong kicks off this Friday.

New Zealand’s rugby leaders gather this week for a forum aimed at tackling the major issues in the game. The two-day meeting brings together all 26 of the country’s provincial unions and the five professional franchises. Tasman chairman Max Spence says provincial unions will question the financial sustainability of the Air New Zealand Cup. The forum is Wednesday and Thursday at the Cake tin.

Finally, League Convert Timana Tahu has revealed he wanted to play for the All Blacks.After switching codes from Paramatta, Tahu says he rang the New Zealand Rugby Union about pulling on a black jersey. Rugby Union boss Steve Tew was tew busy tewing on a tuna roll tew return the call and now Tahu looks set to start for the Wallabies.

For the Rugby Roundtable, I’m Gilbert Dropkick.